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Cross-Cultural Relationships
The Pleasures and Pitfalls of Love Without Borders
by Jessica Hirschhorn
As I glide my perfectly marbled piece of beef through a boiling shabu shabu tureen, I momentarily lose control of my chopsticks and watch horrified as I create a large splash. I am the only Caucasian at the table, and my Japanese boyfriend’s friends laugh kindly at my ineptitude and show me how to maintain my grasp. I feel like I’ve been accepted to a secret club. Though I am American born of Russian and Romanian Jews, I have the unprecedented chance to peek into the life of Japanese people living in Los Angeles, and sometimes to live as one myself. But, while living with a Japanese man has gained me admission to an unexplored world, it can also leave me feeling like an ignorant outsider - the one person in the room who never understands the punch line of a joke. In large multicultural metropolises all over North America, there are increasing numbers of couples discovering strange pleasures and unforeseen pitfalls in their unions with people of a different ethnic origin.
But what’s it like down in the trenches? What brings these couples together? Beyond the joys of learning new words or eating new foods, a couple must be able to relate to each other, building a common culture where both members can communicate and relate. As they encounter new friends and family, they bravely face the challenge of learning to navigate the dicey minefield of manners, or at the very least learn the finer points of smiling and nodding. So is it worth it? For many the answer is yes. Looking beyond my own experience, I spoke to three couples from different ethnic backgrounds. Together they learn daily in the closest of quarters about another culture’s values, customs and secret quirks.
Getting To Know You
She enters the coffee house with long cornrows trailing down her back on the arm of a man who carries a portable TV so he can catch the football scores. Hiroyo, 27, recalls meeting Moise, 35, on a blind date set up by a mutual friend. She knew that he was her type. Hiroyo's Japanese accent rarely hinders her ability to express herself, after all she now lives in Los Angeles and has been married to a “native” for four months. Her husband, Moise, has lived his whole life in Southern California and happens to be African American. Sonia, 24, and Stefan, 28, lean on a couch together while Spanish guitar music weaves through the background. They recall meeting on the dance floor of a Los Angeles club. Even though Stefan didn't care for the music that night, Sonia caught his eye and he set out to dance with her. Sonia remembers her reluctance to start dating Stefan, for one thing she never enjoyed introducing her boyfriends to her Indian parents. Stefan was less conflicted, in his house everything was out in the open. Michelle, 31, and Jack, 33, adjust the furniture in their house, they've just re-finished the floors. After 10 years as a couple, and four years of marriage, they can look back and laugh about waiting tables at Marie Callender's when they were in college. They consider their different ethnic heritages merely incidental; she’s Philippine-American, he’s Irish-American. But both have had their assumptions challenged as they looked beyond themselves.
Getting to Know All of You
The afterglow of meeting has faded and the lovers realize they are not alone on the planet; there are families to contend with. Some must placate worried parents, while others eagerly introduce them. Hiroyo found herself pleading with her father to accept the match. Living his whole life in the Japanese countryside, her father had heard very few things which would recommend an American husband. “There were always stories about the American soldiers, [some were] rapists, sold drugs...always trouble”. Was Moise like those unruly soldiers Hiroyo’s father had heard about? How would he treat her and her family? “My father was worried how it would influence my sister,” she explains. As the eldest, Hiroyo was setting a potentially dangerous example. After meeting Moise on a visit, Hiroyo’s sister was convinced that Moise was “very nice” and told her mother as well. Together they set to work persuading her father. He finally relented, but Moise hoped for more than acceptance. Preparing for their fist trip to Japan, Moise wrote a carefully worded speech to his prospective father-in-law. “I translated it into Japanese and wrote it out in English letters so he could [memorize] it,” Hiroyo explains. After much practice Moise was ready. Upon arriving at the family home in the Japanese countryside, Moise delivered his earnest request to marry Hiroyo in Japanese. As he completed his mission, he began to cry. “I think it moved my parents, seeing him cry.” They blessed the union. Now, every time Hiroyo gripes to them about her marriage, they tell her to listen to Moise because he’s “so nice.”
Sonia had Stefan convinced that her parents would go ballistic if she introduced him. “They don’t believe in premarital sex or [displays of] physical affection,” she would say. Dating was never encouraged. “Why bother dating someone when you don’t have your career settled.” Sonia reflected that most Indian parents were "real big on careers, becoming professionals with a slew of degrees." As a result she resorted to “lying a lot” about her dating life. Sonia admitted later that she overstated to Stefan her parents' strict rules. In fact, they were fairly liberal compared to some other friends’ parents who had similarly come to this country as married adults. They never pushed an arranged marriage as they had had, or forced her to only see Indian men. The warnings to Stefan were Sonia’s efforts to keep him away from her family until she was sure the relationship was going somewhere. For Sonia, meeting the family meant “getting serious.” Meanwhile, Stefan couldn't understand her family's lack of involvement. He eagerly set out to introduce Sonia to his relatives. Stefan’s parents lived in Berkeley and had embraced the spirit of the sixties. His Nicaraguan father and Anglo American mother had always encouraged openness with everything from politics to sex. Sonia found his eagerness and their openness very intimidating. In family settings Sonia had learned to call her elders “Uncle” or “Auntie,” and her peers “Brother” or “Sister.” “Sonia was in shock,” says Stefan describing his girlfriend when he called his parents by their first names. “I still want to call them Auntie and Uncle,” Sonia confesses. With extreme difficulty she learned to address Stefan’s family members as equals. As their relationship deepened Sonia felt she was finally ready to introduce Stefan to her parents. Stunned by their receptiveness to Stefan, Sonia re-assessed her assumptions about them. This was the first boy her father didn't hate. Maybe she had been too hard on them. Sonia also credits Stefan’s open friendliness, interest, and respect for easing the process.
At the Family Table
Jack enters the party full of Michelle’s relatives. He knows the drill. Carefully locating each elder he makes sure to approach every last one and let them know how happy he is to see them. Would he ever dream of doing this at his own family’s house? Never. “[In the past] I didn't show [Michelle’s family] as much respect as they expected, I wasn't as diligent as I should have been.” After a few stumbles left family members in doubt of his character, Jack learned what is now the drill. Everyone feels more comfortable now. Despite the differences, Michelle’s family didn't seem exotic to Jack, so much as much closer to each other than his own family was. Their closeness was governed by rules of politeness and respect that were alien to Jack.
In Michelle’s home, love was expressed in units of food. Overabundance characterized every meal and party, with each guest leaving with heaping plates of leftovers. Michelle accepted this as a standard sign of “graciousness and hospitality” Eating dinner at Jack’s, she found that not all families ate the same. She began to understand why Jack felt very uncomfortable with the embracing “come eat now” culture of her parents. At Jack’s family table, each member received a single piece of chicken. Enough for one, but little more. No leftovers. Michelle saw this as a positive sign that Jack’s family withheld love. Jack concurs that to a certain degree open expressions of love were absent from his home. Michelle further noted that when they were alone together Jack never offered her any food from his plate, while she was used to family members sharing. “I thought maybe [it was a sign that] Jack was withholding love from me.” Looking back, Jack and Michelle recognize the unconscious pattern of their actions and reactions. They have now learned that love and respect can be expressed and interpreted in different ways. Their love for each other can transcend the relative fullness of their plates.
Team Players
Neither member of the couple is a native speaker of the other’s language, but for Hiroyo and Moise their language difference brings them closer together. “We work as a team,” explains Hiroyo. At home in America, Moise helps Hiroyo find the right words, and advises her on pronunciation. In Japan, Hiroyo translates for family members and coaches Moise as he learns Japanese. When either one is at a loss the other fills in. They have made a potential stumbling block into a shared strength.
In addition to helping each other in foreign situations, couples can also learn to appreciate aspects of their own culture that they might have overlooked. At the museum, Stefan once found himself absorbed in an ancient Asian piece of art. Sonia casually explained its origins to a surprised Stefan. “I was really impressed” he remembers. He felt lucky to experience Indian culture with an “insider.” “I wanted to show him stuff because he liked to learn.” His eagerness to try Indian food and study Indian art made Sonia think how she might have undervalued the richness of her own heritage in the past. “I’ve taken it for granted.” But with Stefan she appreciated her culture and family even more as she observed it through his enthusiastic eyes.
Looking To Future
As the three couples look to the future, they hope to find a way to share their unique and diverse cultures with their children. Each has come to their own conclusion or at least agreed on the decisions they will have to make. Hiroyo and Moise will send their offspring to go to a special Japanese school. “When they turn 20 they can decide whether to become US or Japanese citizens.” Neither minds which they choose. Jack and Michelle want to carry on their belief in individuality. They feel pressure from both families to raise their future children Catholic, but agree not to be dogmatic in their approach. They also hope to draw on the virtues of Japanese culture which they experienced abroad together. Sonia and Stefan believe if they have kids, they should find their own path, drawing from their families and the outside world to make informed decisions.
As each couple has faced new situations and foreign-feeling customs, they have been forced to re-assess their own behaviors and practices. Hiroyo and her family have broadened their understanding of American men. Sonia has faced her assumptions about dating and approaching family. Jack and Michelle have learned that greetings and food are not the only indicators of love. Through communication they have bridged the gaps, explaining accidental offenses and personal mores that they might not have seen without confronting them through the eyes of an outsider.
I recently returned from Japan where I had the opportunity to share the “the secret world” of American culture with others. My boyfriend’s mother made one request of me as we went to live with his family for two weeks: that I cook an American meal. I paused to consider what the American meal would be. My first thought was taco salad or vegetarian pizza, but then I realized that these failed to qualify as “real” American foods. I reflected that the diversity of American food mirrors the population in general; many tastes from different origins mixing together and forming something unique, special and "real". Maybe they would like taco salad in Japan…
Back in America, I also learned that Sonia and Stefan had split up since our last interview. Sonia cites “petty” differences, while Stefan feels they just “weren’t ready to be together.” Both agree that the breakdown of their relationship will not stop them from exploring new relationships with people from other cultures. The other couples interviewed continue to endure.
by Jessica Hirschhorn
Jessica Hirschhorn is a native of Los Angeles and a graduate of USC Film School. She now edits content for a website, and enjoys freelance writing assignments. Jessica loves exploring the rich diversity of cultures in her hometown.Since returning from a recent trip to Japan, Jessica can be overheard extolling the virtues of green tea and tofu.
© 2000 Dream World Media./Urban Mozaik Magazine™ All rights reserved. The images and text on this website cannot be reproduced in part or in whole without written permission from Urban Mozaik Magazine.
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