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Cross-Cultural
Relationships
The
Pleasures and Pitfalls of Love Without Borders
by
Jessica Hirschhorn
As
I glide my perfectly marbled piece of beef through a boiling shabu shabu
tureen, I momentarily lose control of my chopsticks and watch horrified
as I create a large splash. I am the only Caucasian at the table, and
my Japanese boyfriend’s friends laugh kindly at my ineptitude and
show me how to maintain my grasp. I feel like I’ve been accepted
to a secret club. Though I am American born of Russian and Romanian
Jews, I have the unprecedented chance to peek into the life of Japanese
people living in Los Angeles, and sometimes to live as one myself. But,
while living with a Japanese man has gained me admission to an unexplored
world, it can also leave me feeling like an ignorant outsider - the
one person in the room who never understands the punch line of a joke.
In large multicultural metropolises all over North America, there are
increasing numbers of couples discovering strange pleasures and unforeseen
pitfalls in their unions with people of a different ethnic origin.
But what’s it like down in the trenches? What brings these couples
together? Beyond the joys of learning new words or eating new foods,
a couple must be able to relate to each other, building a common culture
where both members can communicate and relate. As they encounter new
friends and family, they bravely face the challenge of learning to navigate
the dicey minefield of manners, or at the very least learn the finer
points of smiling and nodding. So is it worth it? For many the answer
is yes. Looking beyond my own experience, I spoke to three couples from
different ethnic backgrounds. Together they learn daily in the closest
of quarters about another culture’s values, customs and secret
quirks.
Getting
To Know You
She
enters the coffee house with long cornrows trailing down her back on
the arm of a man who carries a portable TV so he can catch the football
scores. Hiroyo, 27, recalls meeting Moise, 35, on a blind date set up
by a mutual friend. She knew that he was her type. Hiroyo's Japanese
accent rarely hinders her ability to express herself, after all she
now lives in Los Angeles and has been married to a “native”
for four months. Her husband, Moise, has lived his whole life in Southern
California and happens to be African American. Sonia, 24, and Stefan,
28, lean on a couch together while Spanish guitar music weaves through
the background. They recall meeting on the dance floor of a Los Angeles
club. Even though Stefan didn't care for the music that night, Sonia
caught his eye and he set out to dance with her. Sonia remembers her
reluctance to start dating Stefan, for one thing she never enjoyed introducing
her boyfriends to her Indian parents. Stefan was less conflicted, in
his house everything was out in the open. Michelle, 31, and Jack, 33,
adjust the furniture in their house, they've just re-finished the floors.
After 10 years as a couple, and four years of marriage, they can look
back and laugh about waiting tables at Marie Callender's when they were
in college. They consider their different ethnic heritages merely incidental;
she’s Philippine-American, he’s Irish-American. But both have
had their assumptions challenged as they looked beyond themselves.
Getting
to Know All of You
The
afterglow of meeting has faded and the lovers realize they are not alone
on the planet; there are families to contend with. Some must placate
worried parents, while others eagerly introduce them. Hiroyo found herself
pleading with her father to accept the match. Living his whole life
in the Japanese countryside, her father had heard very few things which
would recommend an American husband. “There were always stories
about the American soldiers, [some were] rapists, sold drugs...always
trouble”. Was Moise like those unruly soldiers Hiroyo’s father
had heard about? How would he treat her and her family? “My father
was worried how it would influence my sister,” she explains. As
the eldest, Hiroyo was setting a potentially dangerous example. After
meeting Moise on a visit, Hiroyo’s sister was convinced that Moise
was “very nice” and told her mother as well. Together they
set to work persuading her father. He finally relented, but Moise hoped
for more than acceptance. Preparing for their fist trip to Japan, Moise
wrote a carefully worded speech to his prospective father-in-law. “I
translated it into Japanese and wrote it out in English letters so he
could [memorize] it,” Hiroyo explains. After much practice Moise
was ready. Upon arriving at the family home in the Japanese countryside,
Moise delivered his earnest request to marry Hiroyo in Japanese. As
he completed his mission, he began to cry. “I think it moved my
parents, seeing him cry.” They blessed the union. Now, every time
Hiroyo gripes to them about her marriage, they tell her to listen to
Moise because he’s “so nice.”
Sonia had Stefan convinced that her parents would go ballistic if she
introduced him. “They don’t believe in premarital sex or [displays
of] physical affection,” she would say. Dating was never encouraged.
“Why bother dating someone when you don’t have your career
settled.” Sonia reflected that most Indian parents were "real
big on careers, becoming professionals with a slew of degrees."
As a result she resorted to “lying a lot” about her dating
life. Sonia admitted later that she overstated to Stefan her parents'
strict rules. In fact, they were fairly liberal compared to some other
friends’ parents who had similarly come to this country as married
adults. They never pushed an arranged marriage as they had had, or forced
her to only see Indian men. The warnings to Stefan were Sonia’s
efforts to keep him away from her family until she was sure the relationship
was going somewhere. For Sonia, meeting the family meant “getting
serious.” Meanwhile, Stefan couldn't understand her family's lack
of involvement. He eagerly set out to introduce Sonia to his relatives.
Stefan’s parents lived in Berkeley and had embraced the spirit
of the sixties. His Nicaraguan father and Anglo American mother had
always encouraged openness with everything from politics to sex. Sonia
found his eagerness and their openness very intimidating. In family
settings Sonia had learned to call her elders “Uncle” or “Auntie,”
and her peers “Brother” or “Sister.” “Sonia
was in shock,” says Stefan describing his girlfriend when he called
his parents by their first names. “I still want to call them Auntie
and Uncle,” Sonia confesses. With extreme difficulty she learned
to address Stefan’s family members as equals. As their relationship
deepened Sonia felt she was finally ready to introduce Stefan to her
parents. Stunned by their receptiveness to Stefan, Sonia re-assessed
her assumptions about them. This was the first boy her father didn't
hate. Maybe she had been too hard on them. Sonia also credits Stefan’s
open friendliness, interest, and respect for easing the process.
At
the Family Table
Jack
enters the party full of Michelle’s relatives. He knows the drill.
Carefully locating each elder he makes sure to approach every last one
and let them know how happy he is to see them. Would he ever dream of
doing this at his own family’s house? Never. “[In the past]
I didn't show [Michelle’s family] as much respect as they expected,
I wasn't as diligent as I should have been.” After a few stumbles
left family members in doubt of his character, Jack learned what is
now the drill. Everyone feels more comfortable now. Despite the differences,
Michelle’s family didn't seem exotic to Jack, so much as much closer
to each other than his own family was. Their closeness was governed
by rules of politeness and respect that were alien to Jack.
In Michelle’s home, love was expressed in units of food. Overabundance
characterized every meal and party, with each guest leaving with heaping
plates of leftovers. Michelle accepted this as a standard sign of “graciousness
and hospitality” Eating dinner at Jack’s, she found that not
all families ate the same. She began to understand why Jack felt very
uncomfortable with the embracing “come eat now” culture of
her parents. At Jack’s family table, each member received a single
piece of chicken. Enough for one, but little more. No leftovers. Michelle
saw this as a positive sign that Jack’s family withheld love. Jack
concurs that to a certain degree open expressions of love were absent
from his home. Michelle further noted that when they were alone together
Jack never offered her any food from his plate, while she was used to
family members sharing. “I thought maybe [it was a sign that] Jack
was withholding love from me.” Looking back, Jack and Michelle
recognize the unconscious pattern of their actions and reactions. They
have now learned that love and respect can be expressed and interpreted
in different ways. Their love for each other can transcend the relative
fullness of their plates.
Team
Players
Neither
member of the couple is a native speaker of the other’s language,
but for Hiroyo and Moise their language difference brings them closer
together. “We work as a team,” explains Hiroyo. At home in
America, Moise helps Hiroyo find the right words, and advises her on
pronunciation. In Japan, Hiroyo translates for family members and coaches
Moise as he learns Japanese. When either one is at a loss the other
fills in. They have made a potential stumbling block into a shared strength.
In addition to helping each other in foreign situations, couples can
also learn to appreciate aspects of their own culture that they might
have overlooked. At the museum, Stefan once found himself absorbed in
an ancient Asian piece of art. Sonia casually explained its origins
to a surprised Stefan. “I was really impressed” he remembers.
He felt lucky to experience Indian culture with an “insider.”
“I wanted to show him stuff because he liked to learn.” His
eagerness to try Indian food and study Indian art made Sonia think how
she might have undervalued the richness of her own heritage in the past.
“I’ve taken it for granted.” But with Stefan she appreciated
her culture and family even more as she observed it through his enthusiastic
eyes.
Looking
To Future
As
the three couples look to the future, they hope to find a way to share
their unique and diverse cultures with their children. Each has come
to their own conclusion or at least agreed on the decisions they will
have to make. Hiroyo and Moise will send their offspring to go to a
special Japanese school. “When they turn 20 they can decide whether
to become US or Japanese citizens.” Neither minds which they choose.
Jack and Michelle want to carry on their belief in individuality. They
feel pressure from both families to raise their future children Catholic,
but agree not to be dogmatic in their approach. They also hope to draw
on the virtues of Japanese culture which they experienced abroad together.
Sonia and Stefan believe if they have kids, they should find their own
path, drawing from their families and the outside world to make informed
decisions.
As each couple has faced new situations and foreign-feeling customs,
they have been forced to re-assess their own behaviors and practices.
Hiroyo and her family have broadened their understanding of American
men. Sonia has faced her assumptions about dating and approaching family.
Jack and Michelle have learned that greetings and food are not the only
indicators of love. Through communication they have bridged the gaps,
explaining accidental offenses and personal mores that they might not
have seen without confronting them through the eyes of an outsider.
I recently returned from Japan where I had the opportunity to share
the “the secret world” of American culture with others. My
boyfriend’s mother made one request of me as we went to live with
his family for two weeks: that I cook an American meal. I paused to
consider what the American meal would be. My first thought was taco
salad or vegetarian pizza, but then I realized that these failed to
qualify as “real” American foods. I reflected that the diversity
of American food mirrors the population in general; many tastes from
different origins mixing together and forming something unique, special
and "real". Maybe they would like taco salad in Japan…
Back in America, I also learned that Sonia and Stefan had split up since
our last interview. Sonia cites “petty” differences, while
Stefan feels they just “weren’t ready to be together.”
Both agree that the breakdown of their relationship will not stop them
from exploring new relationships with people from other cultures. The
other couples interviewed continue to endure.
by
Jessica Hirschhorn
Jessica Hirschhorn is a native of Los Angeles and a graduate of USC
Film School. She now edits content for a website, and enjoys freelance
writing assignments. Jessica loves exploring the rich diversity of cultures
in her hometown.Since returning from a recent trip to Japan, Jessica
can be overheard extolling the virtues of green tea and tofu.
©
2000 Dream World Media./Urban
Mozaik Magazine™ All rights reserved. The images and text on this
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