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I
Do...And So Do You
Getting
Hitched Around The World And In Our Own Backyards.
By
Jessica Hirschhorn
Gaping chasms often divide us from those in other cultures. Political,
religious, and ethnic differences can make those gaps seem unbridgeable.
Marriage, the joining a man and woman together in a ceremony, represents
a common custom, which crosses all these boundaries. It's just something
people do.
Our weddings say a lot about us. Some celebrate the union of two people,
while others view whole extended families as joining together. Marriage
partners can be chosen by parents based on social standing, or by
individuals based on attraction. Weddings can take place in a house
of worship, or in a private home. The list of variations can go on
forever. Marriage traditions in Venezuela, India, Greece, and Slovenia
provide a window into a larger system of cultural values, and can
inspire those of us in North America to seek new expressions of commitment,
or look to our own roots.
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Immigrants, individuals marrying into more
traditional cultures, and those with foreign ancestors
may forego the stereotypical white wedding in favor of
ethnic or religious traditions reflective of their heritage.
_________________________________
The
South American nation of Venezuela developed as a Spanish colony after
the conquerors displaced the native population. Family unity and religious
faith play central roles in Venezuelan marriage customs. India has
a long and varied history as the birthplace of several religions and
a land of many languages and subcultures. Indian wedding traditions
continue to grow and change as Western culture exerts a stronger influence.
Greece finds its faith in the Orthodox Church, but older local customs
live on. The wedding ceremony focuses on the religious obligations
of a couple, while celebrations incorporate folk practices. The former
Yugoslav nation of Slovenia boasts a lovely location “on the
sunny side of the Alps,” perched between Austria, Hungary, Croatia,
and Italy. Wedding practices in this small country draw from civil
law, folk customs, and religious beliefs.
What about weddings in our own backyard? White dresses, tuxedos, flowers
and favors - the trappings of a North American wedding are burned
into our collective imaginations from an early age. But these are
only part of the story. Immigrants, individuals marrying into more
traditional cultures, and those with foreign ancestors may forego
the stereotypical white wedding in favor of ethnic or religious traditions
reflective of their heritage. Couples from any background might find
customs originating in Western Europe falling short, and begin looking
abroad and into the past for new practices.
Dating
& Engagements
“Wanted:
SF looking for SM for fun, romance, and possible LTR." For those
unfamiliar with the unique language of personal ads, that's a single
female looking for a single male for a possible long-term relationship.
While North Americans and Western Europeans seek fun, possibly temporary
mates, other countries discourage these types of relationships. For
them, finding a match has as much to do with getting to know the potential
mate's family as it does with finding the right person. Historically,
Indian culture has frowned upon dating in general. Young men and women
would meet together socially only at the bidding of their families
as a prelude to marriage. In fact, in a traditional arranged marriage,
the couple might not meet until the beginning of wedding proceedings.
Anuradha Rangan (54), now a scientist in the U.S. sums up her Indian
engagement many years ago: "It was an arranged marriage through
my grandmother. We met and that was it."
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A young man's level of education and financial status gave him
value, while a woman's beauty (notably her skin tone) and
intact virginity were of primary importance.
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Hindu families sought suitable partners for their children based on
a number of different criteria. Both families should be from the same
caste, a traditional social status linked to the Hindu religion. The
caste would also indicate a common language and geographic origin.
Parents or relatives could begin the hunt by putting the word out
to their circle of friends (within the caste) that they were looking.
A young man's level of education and financial status gave him value,
while a woman's beauty (notably her skin tone) and intact virginity
were of primary importance. In addition, the prospective couple should
possess compatible astrological forecasts and pleasant dispositions.
Photos and phone calls would be exchanged between families until everyone
(including the bride and groom) accepted the match.
With increasing ability to travel, relocate, and communicate with
the foreign world, Indians and other South Asians have seen the birth
of new options for finding the right partner, and an end to one-size-fits-all
rules. Manisha Bawa (27), co-founder of the South Asian Internet resource,
Mybindi.com, describes current mating trends as transitioning. "Now
it's very hard to stereotype." Depending on their locale, education
level, and peer community, families may eschew traditional methods
in favor of a more Western approach. For some, dating is an acceptable
option, but for others it remains forbidden. A desirable woman may
have her own career, or excel at the home arts. According to Bawa,
educated Indians who live in diverse urban areas tend to be more open
to non-traditional practices. But even the most cosmopolitan young
Indians "may still [have] a desire to find a spouse that their
parents approve of."
In Venezuela, family also plays a significant role in a couple's courtship.
Venezuelan young people may date, but a significant part of the process
involves parents and family. Marlena Briceno (29) noticed the difference
when her family moved from Los Angeles to their ancestral home in
Venezuela when she was 16. She explains that dating extends beyond
the couple to incorporate relatives almost immediately. Parents hope
their children will find mates with similar social standing and expect
their children to involve them in the process. Marlena soon understood
that "if he doesn't invite you home [to meet his family] you
know something's wrong… there's something to hide.” She
had no such problem with her future husband, whom she met and eventually
married in Venezuela. Marlena describes dates that involved family
members from one or both sides. "Once you're married to your
husband, you're married to his family."
When a Venezuelan man wishes to marry a woman he must ask her father's
permission before proposing. Marlena explains that she had a feeling
her husband would propose when she noticed him talking to her dad.
Going along with protocol, he waited to ask her until her father agreed.
This reinforced the family's role in making the match.
In
Depth: A Ceremony From Start To Finish
For
Greek brides and grooms, the wedding signifies more than a successful
love affair. Marriage is a holy sacrament where two individuals take
a decisive step in their spiritual lives together. The priest, the
congregation, and Christ himself are said to witness their promise
and bless it through the Church. Because of the seriousness of the
commitment, couples must meet with their priest for counseling before
the wedding.
The Greek Orthodox ceremony encompasses both the betrothal and the
actual marriage, with events occurring in threes to signify the Christian
Holy Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. The ceremony begins
with the blessing and exchange of rings. After the priest makes the
sign of the cross over the heads of the couple, the best man, honored
friend, or relative known as the Koumbaros exchanges the rings
on their fingers three times. The timeless symbol of the ring and
its exchange signifies the completion and consistency gained by the
union. The two are now officially betrothed.
From here, the actual marriage portion of the proceedings begins.
First the man and women each receive a candle, which they hold lighted
through the remainder of the ceremony. These represent their open
acceptance of Christ. Next they join right hands to show their unity
in body and spirit, while the priest recites a prayer. The service
reaches its pinnacle with the crowning of the bride and groom. The
Koumbaros crowns the couple with wreath-like circles of flowers
or sculpted materials, which he will switch three times. Often a ribbon
connects the crowns, reinforcing the bond between the individuals.
The couple will be like a king and queen, ruling over a new household.
Like the best leaders, they should be noble and just. After reading
the biblical passage describing Jesus turning water to wine at the
marriage of Cana, the couple drinks wine from a common cup signifying
their future of sharing good and bad times. Next, the bride, groom,
and priest walk in a circle around a table with religious items upon
it. They are beginning their journey as married people in a devotional
act led by a priest, with Christ at its center. Finally, the Priest
offers another blessing to conclude the ceremony. Instead of making
specific promises during the service as would be expected in a legal
exchange, the two become one in a religious sacrament. Interestingly,
the Greek Orthodox Church does permit ecclesiastical divorce unlike
the Roman Catholic Church.
Wedding
Symbols
Like
the Greek wedding, the Hindu Indian wedding is a significant religious
occasion filled with rituals and symbols of the joining couple and
families. The ceremony itself can extend up to three days, though
the younger generation often shortens the process. In another parallel
to the Greek wedding, the Hindu service often includes a formal betrothal,
giving away of the bride, the physical joining of the couple, and
a circular walk together. The priest follows the Hindu rules and traditions
just as the Greek Orthodox priest follows Church doctrine, though
local customs add individuality to the proceedings. Communities incorporate
their own version of the richly colored fabrics, fresh flowers, and
fragrant foods associated with the wedding, giving the celebrations
a sensuality and vibrancy all their own.
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The tradition of jumping the broom also
appears in Wiccan/Pagan ceremonies derived from
Celtic practices, but differs from the practice as it has
developed in African American communities.
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Food,
wine, candles, rings, and music pop up in a variety of traditions
ancient and modern. In the U.S. where wedding customs are not standardized,
couples are free to pick and choose which rituals to follow. Divorced
from any official religious dogma, the lighting of a unity candle,
the sharing of wine, or the physical uniting of a bride and groom
can be adopted and shaped to individual beliefs. A recent trend with
American brides includes a Wiccan/Pagan handfasting ceremony adapted
from old Celtic customs, in addition to, or instead of traditional
"I do's." This ceremony involves a binding of the couple's
hands together complete with special prayers, which can signify a
marriage or promise to marry. The tradition of jumping the broom also
appears in Wiccan/Pagan ceremonies derived from Celtic practices,
but differs from the practice as it has developed in African American
communities. Here, jumping the broom honors forbearers who, as slaves,
were prevented from legally marrying. To communicate the beginning
of a new married life, couples would jump over a broom after saying
vows. As couples seek these kinds of traditions, writers and wedding
industry professionals have created resources for couples to connect
with customs from distant lands or from the past.
Civil
vs. Religious
Why
just get married once, when you can get married twice? In both Slovenia
and Venezuela civil marriages are required by law, and are separate
from religious unions. For this reason couples often find themselves
preparing for double duty. In Slovenia, the two services usually take
place on the same day. American Margaret Korosec (29) and her Slovene
husband Matjaz (31) found an ideal location for their civil ceremony
in the small town of Spodnja Idrija, Slovenia. A local 600 year-old
mansion-turned-inn fit their need to house her family coming in from
the U.S., and his family arriving from the capital city Ljubljana.
Wearing a wedding dress purchased in America, Margaret married Matjaz
at an early afternoon civil ceremony at the inn, whereupon they were
taken by a special, 100 year-old horse drawn carriage to a nearby
church. Hotel employees and locals dressed in traditional lederhosen
played polka music to send them off. Once they arrived, the couple
participated in a typical Roman Catholic wedding, including a full
mass attended by local inhabitants. Of course, the English translations
used in the ceremony did make the mass unique for the Slovene-speaking
town. When the ceremony finished they returned to the banquet hall
at the inn for more polka music and celebrations.
In Venezuela the civil service takes place in the bride’s home
two weeks before the religious ceremony. Although the couple has officially
wed at this time, they live separately until the completion of the
religious service. Each time the families must provide refreshments
to guests, although the civil service is a more intimate gathering.
Let
the Celebrations Begin
After
the ceremony concludes, Greek couples embark on an evening of enjoyment
with family and friends. This will cap weeks of preparations and rituals,
which have culminated in the wedding itself. The celebrations begin
with a shower of rice, flower petals or koufetta (sugar-coated
almonds) to bring sweetness and fertility to the couple. Then the
wedding guests and the bridal party often return as a group to the
groom's home where dinner, drinking and dancing will ensue. Though
many ancient traditions have fallen by the wayside, breaking plates
on the dance floor continues to endure as a good luck charm. In addition,
guests may decorate the matrimonial bed before the ceremony with koufetta,
coins and rose petals, and then briefly roll their babies on the bed.
The items and the babies are supposed to bring the couple wealth and
fertility. For favors, guests receive bags of candy-coated almonds
always in odd numbers. The candy sweetens the bitterness of the almonds,
and the odd number makes them indivisible by two, so the couple's
life will be sweet and unified.
After completing two wedding ceremonies, the Slovene couple still
has a full evening ahead of them. In addition to a festive meal, which
may include such local delicacies as rabbit soup and zlinkrofi
(stuffed dough pockets), polka music will get the party jumping. The
newlyweds (and guests) must also make sure to have money on hand,
as the next tradition could cost them a pretty penny. During the reception
friends of the groom "kidnap" the bride, often taking her
to pubs in nearby villages. The groom must first realize the bride
has disappeared, then trace his friends' footsteps, paying their bar
tabs as he goes. Eventually the groom will meet up his friends and
bride, and then he must negotiate a ransom. Guests will chip in to
ensure that he gets his wife back. Celebrations may last into the
wee hours, with the revelry often ending at a nearby disco.
I
Do…And So Do You
Each
culture looks upon weddings as a special occasion, filled with meaningful
activities to bring health, wealth, and fertility to the marrying
couple. While the actual ceremony may feel solemn and religious, the
merriment that follows gives everyone a chance to enjoy the momentous
occasion. Breaking plates, kidnapping the bride, throwing rice, or
even doing the hokey pokey brings a sense of fun to an event full
of gravity and meaning.
Weddings give us a unique opportunity to express who we are and what
we value. Whether we pick and choose our customs, or jump headfirst
into a traditional culture, we can experience the special joy of an
important life passage, one that transcends time and place.
Thanks to the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America
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Jessica
Hirschhorn is a native of Los Angeles and a graduate of USC Film
School. She now edits content for a website, and enjoys freelance
writing assignments. Jessica loves exploring the rich diversity
of cultures in her hometown. Since returning from a recent trip
to Japan, Jessica can be overheard extolling the virtues of green
tea and tofu.
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As
published in the May 2001 issue of Urban Mozaik Magazine.
www.urbanmozaik.com
This
website: Copyright © 2000 Dream World Media / Urban Mozaik Magazine.
All rights reserved. The opinions expressed in Urban Mozaik Magazine
are not necessarily those of Urban Mozaik Magazine and the publisher
cannot be held responsible for them. This website/publication, in whole
or in part, may not be reproduced without written permission from the
publisher.
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