Old Wives' Tales Filipina/American Marriages: Perspectives from Both Sides By L. Marcelline Santos-Taylor I have a scrapbook containing bits about my life before coming to live in America. There are pages devoted to the business cards I acquired through the many jobs I’ve had. The cards were badges of my identity; the job titles defined me at the time. I got to the point that without a business card I felt somewhat lost and anonymous, so that in between jobs, I printed out my own cards and listed job titles like “creativity consultant” and “mover and shaker”. Come on; it was the nineties. This was something you could do back then, and I was in my twenties in desperate need of validation. ____________________________________ Fortunately for me, my husband had no preconceived notions or expectations of the “submissive” Asian wife. ____________________________________ These days my business card says “Freelance Writer and Designer,” but what it should really say is “Wife and Mother”. After all, that is who I am now and that is what I do. And heck - I do my darndest best at these lifetime jobs. Fortunately for me, my husband had no preconceived notions or expectations of the “submissive” Asian wife. Wife. There are no college degrees or training programs for being a good wife. One just falls into it and proceeds as she knows best, based on gut instinct and personal history. It is a little bit more challenging in a bicultural/biracial marriage because roles and expectations between husband and wife can be quite different. Fortunately for me, my husband had no preconceived notions or expectations of the “submissive” Asian wife. So I came into our marriage just as myself, learning along the way. I find myself often thinking about my mom, lolas [grandmothers], titas [aunts] and all the other wives/mothers that have gone before me. Being a wife is definitely different from being a girlfriend or lover. It is that and more, because as a wife you are best friend, partner, helpmate etc. Curiously, much as I was a feminist-type/equal-rights-demanding single woman in my twenties, I find that I actually have somewhat traditional values about the husband and wife partnership. Feminists may cringe at what I am about to say but I do believe that there are things men can do (and should) that women can’t and vice versa. In the same sense, I believe that wives and husbands have their respective roles to play in a marriage and in a family. It is so funny because when I observe American/Western wives, I notice na iba talaga ang pananaw nila (their beliefs/perspectives are really different). American/Western wives always seem to focus on asserting their individuality - and sometimes at the expense of compromise and ultimately, peace and harmony. It makes me wonder if this isnít one of the reasons for the high divorce rates in America. At a family gathering in Manila, one of my uncles toasted my then-fiancé (now husband) applauding his choice of a Filipina wife. I didn't know what he meant by it then, because I was afraid he might be referring to that whole “submissive” stereotype, but now I understand. As I find my inner-Filipina wife's voice, I find that she is: mapagbigay, maunawain,† masipag, matalino, matapang, malambing and maasikaso. The first adjectives can be easily translated: generous, understanding, industrious, intelligent, and gutsy, but the last two words, malambing and maasikaso, go beyond their English translations. To say sweet and caring would be too limiting because the last two traits are what makes the Filipina wife different, I think ñ itís being more than lovable and more than thoughtful. I think these are the qualities that make husbands happy to come home to their wives. American/Western wives always seem to focus on asserting their individuality - and sometimes at the expense of compromise and ultimately, peace and harmony. ____________________________________ American/Western wives always seem to focus on asserting their individuality - and sometimes at the expense of compromise and ultimately, peace and harmony. ____________________________________ As you all know by now, I am quite fond of lists, and here is one that had my husband and me in stitches. It was attached to an e-mail sent to me so I don’t know who wrote it. Whoever he was, he must’ve been quite clever and devoted to his wife. IDIOSYNCRASIES OF A FILIPINA WIFE written by an American guy who loves his wife in spite of them: Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon. You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed. All her relatives think your name is Joe. Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than “that white guy.” The instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can’t tell apart. Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize. All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty. Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker. You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a roast pig. All your kids have 4-5 middle names. You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you “for a while” And you want to know “or a while, what?” You are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for the comFORT’er, and you ain’t got a clue what she's talking about. Your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call. She sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on. The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget. On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry on" luggage requires a small forklift truck. Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10-page “bilins” list which says “Suggestion Only.” The first time she’s pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the a.m. for some weird type of greasy sausages. You buy a new $500 freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM that was on sale. Everything in your house was bought on sale. Even if you donít need it, as long as it was a “bargain” is all that matters. All your postage bills instantly double. Her favorite sauce is called “patis” Americans call it turpentine. She prefers bistek to beef steak. She’ll offer you a halo-halo with 2 straws for a romantic dessert. You still don’t know what the difference is between manong [a term of respect used for an older brother or friend] and manok [chicken]. Her homeland has more megamalls than islands. Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle. All the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they were grown at Chernobyl. Your in-laws’ first visit lasted 6 years.’ Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk. All your place settings have the silverware backwards and there are no knives. You were married 5 years before she explained to you that “ARAY!” doesn’t mean “ooh baby!” And last but not least: You are pretty proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess type until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country (unless she's taller than 5'1", then it’s a bit easier). P.S. Manila Girl is 5 foot 8 inches tall. This website: Copyright © 2004 Dream World Media, LLC. / Urban Mozaik Magazine. All rights reserved. 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