The Colors That Bind Us The Frustration Of A Gay Man Of Color Searching For Love Within His Race. By Orville Lloyd Douglas On this grand Monday evening the conversation of my best friend and I turned to why we both don't have boyfriends in our lives. My best friend dared me to check the classifieds. I'm not into the bar scene or hanging out on Church St. I am seeking a gay black man, not unlike myself. When I finally decided to open the newspaper, I was shocked. "Gay Asian male seeks gay white male." "Gay black male seeks gay white male." The ads went on and on. Why are so many gay men of color hunting for a white man? I picked up the newspaper and angrily threw it into garbage. My best friend walked over, patted me on my shoulder and said in a laughing matter, "It's just the gay classifieds." With resentment, I blurted out back to him, "You like white men a lot." "I don't like South Asian men," replied my friend, who is South Asian himself. "They are not sexy. That's just the way it is." ______________________________ "Gay Asian male seeks gay white male." "Gay black male seeks gay white male." The ads went on and on. Why are so many gay men of color hunting for a white man? ______________________________ "Why? I think there are plenty of Indian guys here in Toronto that I find to be very attractive. But you won't even give them a chance. You just flock to the white guys." "Because I can't deal with men of color," he says. I don't think my friend is alone among other men of color, wanting a white boyfriend. And it makes me angry.I think these guys have defined the gay community as white and they're doing anything they can to fit into it. For this, many men of color seem willing to forgo their heritage and blend in, passing up opportunities to date their racial peers. I am mad at this world view and also upset because it diminishes my dating prospects. For instance, I went on a blind date a few months ago with a 26-year-old Jamaican guy that I met on the Internet. We decided to go to Slack Alice on Church St. for brunch. Everything was going well until he told me that he preferred white men. Much to my dismay, he said, "I have never gone out with another black guy before. I think some black men feel I would like them just because we are all black. I don't want to date someone who looks like myself." I frowned at him. "Where are the gay black men that are comfortable with their sexuality,Orville?" he continues to explain. "Look at this table. There is only me and you. I am not into guys that are unaccepting of themselves. I hate guys that try to act macho and tough. I don't like the hip-hop look. In Toronto, there is a higher percentage of white guys that are openly gay than black men in Toronto. Where we come from, people don't want to understand homosexuality. Being gay is still considered acting white." His reasons didn't ring true for me, just like the Asian guy who told me he didn't like other Asian men because of their accent. I hear the same tune all the time – these excuses. I wish people would just be honest: they like white men because they think they are somehow better off with one, and that they're more secure in society and in the gay community with a white boyfriend. ______________________________ I wish people would just be honest: they like white men because they think they are somehow better off with one, and that they're more secure in society and in the gay community with a white boyfriend. ______________________________ I do understand the real fear and anxiety some black men feel because I've been in their shoes. I remember another guy I started dating on and off last year. He is Jamaican, like me. Politically-inclined and cute. We went to Square One in Mississauga on one Sunday afternoon shopping and we ended up in a trendy store. When I saw him pick up a pair of leather pants, I told him they looked kind of gay. At that point, he got really sensitive to what I said. "Don't use that fuckin' word around me ever again," he said. "I know a lot a of other black people here in Mississauga. Don't pull that gay shit on me. I have a reputation to keep. I have to deal with the consequences of the way I live my life." I'm out to my family and friends. A few months of dating later, he told me if I wanted to continue the relationship, I would have to toughen myself up and be more macho. He told me I embarrassed him at times. I hated it when he told me to lower down my voice whenever we hung out with his straight friends. To add to the situation, he was also seeing a woman at the same time he was seeing me. Though the macho elements of gay black culture can be frustrating sometimes, I think it's more satisfying to deal with that truth than to deal with gay white guys who don't know my reality as a black man. I can't count the times I have been on Church St. where a guy will approach me with ignorant stereotypes. I've heard them all. I'm tired of it! Things like, "I've never been with a black guy before." "Do you have a big dick?" I feel like I'm being treated like a sexual fetish, an object defined by my skin color. Which makes it especially strange to me that many other men of color seem to feel their relationships with each other aren't as important as a relationship with a white guy. My best friend and I are on good terms. I wish him the best in his search for a white boyfriend. But I think he's passing up a lot of good men and the chance to experience a relationship that has a shared culture, if he'd just give it the chance. Orville Lloyd Douglas is a 25 year old black, gay, male Canadian writer. He is currently studying African Studies and Anthropology at York University in Toronto. Orville's work has been published in American publications such as Honey Magazine (March 2002), Venus Magazine (Nov. 2001) and Youthoutlook. In Canada, Orville's work has been published in the Toronto Star, NOW Magazine, Share Magazine, and Xtra Magazine. This website: Copyright © 2002 Dream World Media, LLC. / Urban Mozaik Magazine. All rights reserved. The opinions expressed in Urban Mozaik Magazine are not necessarily those of Urban Mozaik Magazine and the publisher cannot be held responsible for them. This website/publication, in whole or in part, may not be reproduced without written permission from the publisher.