Where Have All The Black Men Gone?: Black and White Interracial Relationships: Following Your Heart Even If There's Opposition

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In recent years, many have voiced their frustration at watching
"their" men (especially the well-educated, financially successful ones)
fall into the arms of white women.
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A glance at some statistics confirms their fears. According to the US Bureau of the Census, in 1990 4.5% of married black men had non-black spouses (primarily white women), compared to 1.5% in 1970. While intermarriage among black women also rose during this period - from 0.8% to just under 2% - it stood at less than half the rate for their male counterparts. This despite the much-publicized black man shortage, the tendency for more African American women than men to enter institutions of higher learning (where they would have more contact with whites), and the stronger taboo against black male/white female relationships than the opposite combination. As a result, more than a few black women are ending up mateless.

Cold hard statistics, though, don’t capture the actual feelings of individual black women. In recent years, many have voiced their frustration at watching "their" men (especially the well-educated, financially successful ones) fall into the arms of white women. This frustration can be seen in novels like Terry McMillan’s Waiting to Exhale, in which one character’s husband leaves her for his white bookkeeper, movies such as Jungle Fever, where the black protagonist deserts his mixed-race wife for an Italian secretary, and personal accounts by real-life black women.

An amusing yet informative example of the third appeared in a 1992 New York Times article. Novelist Bebe Moore Campbell recalls sitting in a restaurant with some black female friends and seeing a handsome African American actor enter the establishment – accompanied by a blonde. Instantly, Moore Campbell says, "we moaned, we groaned, we raised our eyes heavenward. We gnashed our teeth in harmony and made ugly faces then we all shook our heads."

Some black women go even further than Moore Campbell and directly attack the white women in question. In an article in Ms. Magazine, Angela Ards seethes at white female colleagues who want to "share their latest jungle-fever escapade while vacationing in the Caribbean or their lusty crushes on the new, rare black-male hire." Others appear to believe there is some kind of white female conspiracy to "steal" black men from women of their own kind. For instance, one contributor to the book Miscegenation Blues: Voices of Mixed-Race Women speaks ominously of the ways in which white women attempt to undermine black male-female relationships.

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And even if some white men might snub me for an Asian woman,
I could easily replace them with a black or, for that matter,
Asian or Latino partner.
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Many people would be tempted to call these attacks an example of reverse racism. To use an analogy, if I accused Thai and Filipina mail order brides of trying to sabotage white male-female relationships, I would immediately be branded a racist, and rightly so. (Curiously, some black men say they choose white mates because they find them more docile and less outspoken than African American women – the same reason some white men give for preferring Asian over white women.) But there’s no real equivalence here. A few hundred or even thousand Asian women in the mail order bride industry wouldn’t affect my chances of finding a white husband or boyfriend. And even if some white men might snub me for an Asian woman, I could easily replace them with a black or, for that matter, Asian or Latino partner.

In a strange way, as an Italian Canadian woman I can empathize with my African American sisters’ dismay over black male/white female pairings. I remember that at my overwhelmingly white bread high school most of my crushes were Italian boys, whom I then regarded as the best thing since sliced bread. But alas, they rarely returned the favor. I can’t count the times my spirits came crashing downwards and my blood pressure went soaring upwards on seeing my latest flame walk hand in hand with some Nordic blonde. I felt like Bebe Moore Campbell and her friends did at the restaurant. Adding fuel to the fire was the fact that blondes - even if they attained that status with the help of a bottle - seemed to be the big thing in Italian beauty pageants, TV shows, and films (brunettes like Sophia Loren and Gina Lollobrigida may have won the hearts of Anglo-Saxon moviegoers, but when I was a teenager the most popular stars in Italy were actress Monica Vitti and variety sh! ow hostess Raffaella Carrà – both bleach blondes).

Black women also have to live with the reality that at least in the present era, white women represent the epitome of female beauty according to American standards. This is true for both the black and white communities. In their book The Color Complex, authors Kathy Russell, Midge Wilson and Ronald Hall describe how Caucasian features such as light skin and straight hair are idolized by many African Americans – hence the booming business in products like hair relaxers. It isn’t surprising therefore that marrying "out" – which in most cases means marrying white – is considered an achievement in some black families. The authors cite the case of one African American man who gleefully remarked that "before long, there’ll be no more Black left in our family" when all his children married whites.

The situation isn’t much more heartwarming outside the United States. In places like Brazil and the Caribbean, where race mixing has gone on for over half a millennium, terms like "good hair" (for straight and fine as opposed to kinky hair) abound. Even in regions where miscegenation has involved whites and Asians or whites and American Indians rather than whites and blacks, the "white is right" mentality remains. The Philippine movie industry, for instance, is full of actors and actresses who could easily be mistaken for Italians or Spaniards. Such is what European imperialism has wrought, so to speak.

Nonetheless, I can’t completely condone African American women’s criticism of black male/white female relations. While I personally am not offended by these criticisms, I sympathize with the many black men who love their mothers, sisters and other female relatives and feel great solidarity with their people but who happen to love white women. At times these men are treated like traitors to the black community. And just because some of them are not physically attracted to women of their own race does not necessarily mean they hate African American women or blacks in general. I myself have received mail telling me the reason I date interracially is because I hate white men. In response, I explain that just because I’m not sexually attracted to white men doesn’t mean I hate them, any more than the fact I’m not a lesbian means I dislike women.

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Author Steve Sailer suggests that black women team up
with Asian men, who are experiencing a mate shortage of their own
as more Asian women than men marry interracially.
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I’m also skeptical of attempts to politicize sexual relationships. For example, the popular ‘60s notion that miscegenation would put an end to racism turned out to be a dud. In addition, how much control do we really have over our sexual attractions? Many gays and lesbians, for instance, say no matter how hard they’ve tried and been pressured to become heterosexual, they can’t get rid of their feelings towards the same sex. I myself can’t help the fact that I possess absolutely zero sexual attraction to Anglo-Saxon men, despite having grown up in their midst and having a plethora of WASP male platonic friends I love dearly. So black men drawn to white women shouldn’t be faulted for acting on that attraction.

Black women who feel unable to find a mate of their own kind might look to males of other races. Though white men are the most obvious example, given that whites form the majority of the American population at this point in time, other non-black males may be worth a try as well. Author Steve Sailer suggests that black women team up with Asian men, who are experiencing a mate shortage of their own as more Asian women than men marry interracially. Latinos too might be a consideration, especially since surveys show Hispanics to be more open to interracial marriage than whites.

The decision to date outside of one’s race or ethnic group isn’t always easy. After all, to a certain extent we’re attracted to who and what seem familiar to us. In high school I never thought I would be attracted to non-Italian men, but since "expanding my horizons" after that time, I’ve gotten to the point where Hispanic, Caribbean and Pacific Islander men are the ones who attract me.

Of course there’s no easy solution to black women’s "marriage squeeze." No matter how we as individuals feel about the issue of interracial relations and their effect on black women in particular, it’s important to understand the phenomenon and the feelings of everyone – black men, black women, white men and white women – involved.