Kevin and Julie: One Couple's Story Of Life Between The Color Lines.

______________________

"I knew that I wasn't going to have to explain things like
taking off your shoes inside the house" said Julie, or rice!"
______________________

Early in this young couple's relationship, they were forced to face a challenge which few couples ever have to consider. Now, nearly three years later, they continue to thrive on each other's strength and positivity, and have begun to talk about the legacy of love and acceptance they would pass on to the children they might some day raise.

The stories of their lives begin with uncannily similar themes. She was born in Futuoka, Japan. He was born in Aomori, Japan. They were both raised primarily in the United States. They are both only children. Both were born to Japanese mothers and American fathers.

They met in a small, central New England college town, where each was steeped in student life with all the concerns of study, work, and self discovery. Although travelling in different circles – he was a graduate student in Chemistry, she had just completed undergraduate study in Communications – they found one another and fell in love.

In each other they heard a quiet yet familiar tune sung throughout the stories of life with a Japanese mom. Their common love for dogs, art films, and the outdoors was only boosted by the fact that they also shared a common maternal ancestry. Each revelled in the fact that not onIy was the other interesting and attractive, but also understood elements of their experience which few others could comprehend. "I knew that I wasn't going to have to explain things like taking off your shoes inside the house" said Julie, or rice!" And Kevin knew what I meant when I described someone as having 'daikon legs' (thick from knee to ankle and resembling the oblong daikon radish)". "I as certainly very struck by Julie when I first saw her, and I had actually tried for a while to figure out how to get to talk to her", says Kevin. "And I remember when she first told me she was half Japanese too, I just thought, 'Wow! Cool!"'

After several months together, Kevin and Julie's relationship grew more serious and they began to plan a trip across the country, which would include a visit to Kevin's family home in the Boston area. It was in the planning of this trip that they would come up against Kevin's parents' rejection and face the first great challenge to their relationship. They never made the trip to see his parents.

________________________

His father explained that a darker skinned
Asian would be more acceptable than any
half "black" woman no matter her complexion.

________________________

Among all of their similarities, Kevin and Julie have one significant difference, which eventually caused his parents to tell Kevin that he was not welcome home with his girlffiend. That difference is that Kevin's father is "white" and Julie's father is "black".

Kevin recalls his father saying, "Julie is black, and we don't want a black person in our family." He explains that although he had some sense while growing up that his parents had some serious race issues, he "never imagined it was to this extent." "I really thought that if they met my girifriend, talked to her, and got to know her a little bit, they would just leam to like this person for who she is." He adds, "I had always thought my parents were rational, intelligent people, but they just seem to have this barrier that they can't get through."

Kevin remembers one conversation where his father tried to explain that "it wasn't a matter of the color of her skin, but rather that she was part 'black"'. His father explained that a darker skinned Asian would be more acceptable than any half "black" woman no matter her complexion. "My parents have some clearly defined idea of 'blackness' and her 'blackness', whatever that means, is what scares them and what they object to." According to Kevin, his parents have never articulated a specific reason for their feelings. It seems they attach some significantly negative attributes to black people, and just cannot accept their son dating a black woman.

"Unfortunately, as a person with black blood, you get used to that possibility", says Julie. "Being black in America, you face some reminder of racism nearly every day. I was actually not very surprised by Kevin's parents because I have found – and I hate to speak in generalizations – that many Japanese people are fearful and racist towards people. Jim had also told me that his grandparents had rejected his father when he married a Japanese woman, so I expected there to be some difficulty".

Julie goes on to explain that even within her own family she has felt the sharp twinge of not being fully accepted. "When I went back to Japan for the first time in 1994, I found out that my Japanese step-father had never been able to tell his family that he had a step-daughter, and that she was half African-American. In fact, I was introduced to his father as his 'assistant"'.

"I knew Julie would not be surprised," says Kevin. "But nonetheless I felt terrible, I felt incredibly ashamed and very disappointed by my parents. Fortunately for me though, these very people did not raise me to think like them. I am very proud that Julie and I are different, and I think this is what contributes to making us on interesting couple."

______________________

"It is very rare that anyone ever asks me if I'm part Asian.
People generally just look at me and assume
I'm full blooded African-American...
______________________

Julie, on the other hand, says she is less conscious of their status as an interracial couple. "I think of us simply as a couple. I don't walk around thinking I am Afro-Japanese and he is Euro-Japanese. He is my boyfriend, period. I really only think about race and culture when something external forces me to." "For example", she adds, "we were in a restaurant the other day and the server, who was Asian-American, asked Kevin whether he was part Korean, and when he replied that he was actually half Japanese, she gave him this great big, warm smile, and then she just turned to me, said nothing and walked away! I felt very left out, like 'hey wait! What am I chopped liver over here?' It's usually someone's look, or question, which reminds me that the world looks at us differently."

"It is very rare that anyone ever asks me if I'm part Asian. People generally just look at me and assume I'm full blooded African-American, and sometimes even when people do ask, I take the easy, lazy route and just answer 'I'm black!"', Julie says. She explains that it is often easy to determine whether someone is asking out of genuine interest, in which she answers completely, and when they are just trying to place her, in which case she chooses the simple answer.

When talking about their views of being bi-racial and dating interracially, Kevin and Julie clearly have developed very different concepts. It also seems clear that the other's experience and perspective has been valuable in helping each to broaden his/her own views and to negotiate the myriad issues of race.

"I basically run through a short list of questions whenever someone treats me unfairly", explains Julie, "I think, do I know this person? Have I done or said something to offend this person? Are they treating everyone else like this? And if the answers are "no", then I frequently have to consider that this treatment is being directed to me because of the way I look."

Kevin however, says, "I usually just assume the person is an asshole, and I really don't think about why they are being that way. Perhaps I have the privilege of not having to think about it because I haven't had the same experiences as someone who is black in this country."

"Being with Kevin has definitely taught me to be a little more patient, and allow for the possibility that someone is just being a jerk, and not necessarily racist. But I'm also sure that Kevin has learned from me that black people have had a history here which pretty much requires us to be aware of, and prepared for, a lot of racist attitudes. Kevin's parents were no surprise to me for specific reasons, but they were also not the only, or the first, [people] I'd heard this type of thing from", explains Julie.

Many of us would agree that relationships can be challenging and complicated. Julie and Kevin have faced some of the more typical challenges such as long distance dating, selecting living arrangements, and finding time to be together among all of the other obligations of life, study, and work. Their ability to maintain a dynamic, growing relationship with the added pressures of rejection by Kevin's parents, is a testament to their strong bond and their desire to make the very best of their union.

"I really respect Kevin", says Julie, "he has made it clear to me that even if we were to choose to separate, he would still take issue with his parents' attitudes, I think that is a pretty good clue about his sincerity and integrity."

When asked to look into the future and share what story they might pass on to their children, Kevin sarcastically jokes, "oh, that this is part of our family's ancient curse!" (Kevin's patemal grandmother severed ties with Kevin's father because he married a Japanese woman). Julie jokes back, "that is so Japanese of you! What else are you going to tell them? To cover their faces whenever they hear their grandparents names mentioned?" This crystal moment gives us a glimpse into the wanmth and comfort with which they face the weight of their situation.

"I would just want our children to know that they come from an incredible mixture of cultures and people", says Kevin finally, "and I would do my best to teach them about the wonderful things that they all have to offer."

"I would be honest with them", says Julie, "and explain that this is an example of what can happen when people allow their fears and ideals to get in the way of love and relationships. I would just want them to grow up with a lot of love, and knowing that they can be with, and love, anyone they want to."