Do you need some multicultural advice? Are you confused about something relating to race or culture and need some good feedback? Well, all you have to do is ask for it! Ask Adrienne, Urban Mozaik Magazine's resident advisor. Send your questions to askadrienne@urbanmozaik.com and include your full name, age, residence and a description of your racial or ethnic background. If your question is suitable for publication in Urban Mozaik, then we will post your question along with Adrienne's response on this page! We look forward to hearing from you! Dear Adrienne, My boyfriend made a racist comment the other day and I was really hurt and upset by it. He's never really said or done anything before that made me feel uncomfortable about him as far as race issues go. This was a first. To make a long story short, he basically used the word "Nigger" in place of African American or black or any other "acceptable" non-racist term. He said that it was acceptable in this case because the people whom he was referring to used to call themselves that too. So, it was OK as far as he was concerned. I am Chinese, he is Caucasian. I told him that if that's what he thought, then his girlfriend was a "Chink"! I don't understand how he doesn't think that his comment wouldn't affect me. I don't get it. I don't know how to feel about him because of this. I can't help but think that he is racist on some level. I'm disappointed. What should I do? Should I break up with him? Please help! B. Tam, Honolulu Dear Helpless, Breaking up is hard to do, and for good reason. People are complicated and it's difficult to make snap judgements on their tolerance or ignorance. This appears to be the first real sign of racism you've noticed with your boyfriend - that either means this is an isolated occurrence, or you haven't been paying attention. He is dating you, so you have a better chance than most to enlighten him with love. Remember that tolerance is really just another way of learning to love the world, to recognize that races, sexes, sexualities, ethnicities, cultures and countries are merely ways that the world has been categorized, but ultimately its just people. Speak seriously with him on this issue, show him that it means a lot to you if he has prejudices that make him feel comfortable harming other people with words. Often people don't think they are bothering anyone with offhand remarks, but a culture that allows casual disrespect will eventually allow casual violence and casual destruction. Explain to your boyfriend that you love him too much to see him harbor that kind of casual violence in him. Once a dialogue is started, you will have a better sense of whether or not this is simply a small issue to be addressed, or the tip of a much larger problem. Best of luck, Adrienne Dear Adrienne, A few months ago we had our first taste of what our kids could be subjected to because of their mixed race background. Somebody in his class teased Colin and called him "Chinese boy". If you heard the way he said it you would know that he was being at best mean-spirited. I heard it being said because this other kid lives near us and he said it when I was taking both Colin and him for a walk. And if he's saying it while the Colin's parent is there, I wonder what else he is saying when there's no parent around. What makes it more sad is that Colin and this other kid (Jimmy) were best friends when they were in kindergarten. They played together all the time, were at each other's house a lot, and invited to each other's birthday parties. We honestly didn't know what to do. My first reaction was to go beat the kid up. But I guess beating up 8-year-olds isn't a good idea. We ended up telling the principal and she brought both of them to her office and the situation seems to have been resolved. At least in the sense that we've had no more reports of similar problems. I guess I'm also fascinated by what started this? Was it a parent, other kids? I know one teacher (reluctantly) told us it could be a jealousy issue. That Colin is doing very well in school and Jimmy wasn't. All I know is that it was bothering Colin a lot. What are your thoughts on this? What do we do if it happens again? T. Jackson, Toronto Dear Protective Father, The hardest thing any interracial family has to deal with is the first time their child comes in contact with real and undeniable racism. On one hand you want to shout to the world that ignorance is not acceptable and yes, you want to beat up anyone who would dare subject your family to such backwardness. But you know better. And that's the frustrating part - how do adults respond to the taunts of children? Taking this issue to the principal was a wise decision, as this was an issue that could effect Colin's school life. However I would also recommend speaking with the parents of the offending child. Sitting down and talking with them, or planning something with the families together, might be helpful to breaking down barriers that have clearly arisen between the families in which Jimmy has deemed it OK to reduce someone who was once his best friend to race. Unfortunately, this is only the first of many encounters with racism that Colin will have. It is important that you and your wife remain supportive of him as he faces this issue, and stay sensitive to the development of his self-confidence and identity. Make this something that you discuss openly in the house so that he feels comfortable telling you what is going on. There will always be kids who use race jokes as a way of expressing their inadequacies, but the thing to remember, and to remind Colin of any time someone bothers him, is that those people are expressing the truth. They are inadequate and will never experience as full and varied a world as Colin. Best of luck, Adrienne Dear Adrienne, I am a 28-year-old Catholic woman who has fallen madly in love with a 32-year-old Jewish man. We have been dating for over 2 years now and it is getting to a point in our relationship where we are talking about spending the rest of our lives together. But our religious differences have caused conflict in our relationship on a number of occasions. We have gotten into some heavy discussions and arguments about it at times, sometimes as often as once a month. We both respect one another's beliefs but feel that we can never be completely and wholly accepting of one another because of our core beliefs. It hurts very badly because we have come so far in our relationship and stayed together hoping that one day this issue would just suddenly vanish - wishful thinking. Maybe even hoping that one of us would convert to the other's religion. We love each other enough to want to be married, but our differences, even though we respect them, seem to create distance between us every time something comes up. Do you have any advice for us? Should we have gone our separate ways long ago and forgone our love for one another? Yours truly, S. Sweeney Arlington, VA. Dear S., This is a hard one. My first instinct is to just agree to disagree. Famous political figures have pulled it off, why couldn't you? However, politics and religion couldn't be more different when it comes to the issue of permanence. Religious differences have kept people at war since the beginning of time. Love is powerful, but you have to be more than powerful to marry when differences of religion stand between you; you have to be wise. I can't tell you "yes", get married, or "no", don't. I can tell you the top three issues that I believe you should consider: Your future children, your family ties, and the strength of your belief. It is not the daily rituals of your religions that will ever cause problems, it is the long-term unchanging facts of your lives where religion touches them. By espousing different religious views you are acknowledging an element of judgement which cannot be denied. I applaud you for making it this far, but how do you feel about the issues listed above when it comes down to your differences in belief? Once you really think about these things, and if these are issues you can come to some peace with, then you have a chance at "forever". For the record, I think you can do it. But then again, I always err on the side of Love, which is simply another spiritual form, regardless of your beliefs. Best of luck, Adrienne This website: Copyright © 2002 Dream world Media, LLC. / Urban Mozaik Magazine. All rights reserved. The opinions expressed in Urban Mozaik Magazine are not necessarily those of Urban Mozaik Magazine and the publisher cannot be held responsible for them. This website/publication, in whole or in part, may not be reproduced without written permission from the publisher or the previous publisher of original republished materials.