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I Do...And So Do You
Getting Hitched Around The World And In Our Own Backyards.
By Jessica Hirschhorn
Gaping chasms often divide us from those in other cultures. Political, religious, and ethnic differences can make those gaps seem unbridgeable. Marriage, the joining a man and woman together in a ceremony, represents a common custom, which crosses all these boundaries. It's just something people do.
Our weddings say a lot about us. Some celebrate the union of two people, while others view whole extended families as joining together. Marriage partners can be chosen by parents based on social standing, or by individuals based on attraction. Weddings can take place in a house of worship, or in a private home. The list of variations can go on forever. Marriage traditions in Venezuela, India, Greece, and Slovenia provide a window into a larger system of cultural values, and can inspire those of us in North America to seek new expressions of commitment, or look to our own roots.
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Immigrants, individuals marrying into more
traditional cultures, and those with foreign ancestors
may forego the stereotypical white wedding in favor of
ethnic or religious traditions reflective of their heritage.
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The South American nation of Venezuela developed as a Spanish colony after the conquerors displaced the native population. Family unity and religious faith play central roles in Venezuelan marriage customs. India has a long and varied history as the birthplace of several religions and a land of many languages and subcultures. Indian wedding traditions continue to grow and change as Western culture exerts a stronger influence. Greece finds its faith in the Orthodox Church, but older local customs live on. The wedding ceremony focuses on the religious obligations of a couple, while celebrations incorporate folk practices. The former Yugoslav nation of Slovenia boasts a lovely location “on the sunny side of the Alps,” perched between Austria, Hungary, Croatia, and Italy. Wedding practices in this small country draw from civil law, folk customs, and religious beliefs.
What about weddings in our own backyard? White dresses, tuxedos, flowers and favors - the trappings of a North American wedding are burned into our collective imaginations from an early age. But these are only part of the story. Immigrants, individuals marrying into more traditional cultures, and those with foreign ancestors may forego the stereotypical white wedding in favor of ethnic or religious traditions reflective of their heritage. Couples from any background might find customs originating in Western Europe falling short, and begin looking abroad and into the past for new practices.
Dating & Engagements
“Wanted: SF looking for SM for fun, romance, and possible LTR." For those unfamiliar with the unique language of personal ads, that's a single female looking for a single male for a possible long-term relationship. While North Americans and Western Europeans seek fun, possibly temporary mates, other countries discourage these types of relationships. For them, finding a match has as much to do with getting to know the potential mate's family as it does with finding the right person. Historically, Indian culture has frowned upon dating in general. Young men and women would meet together socially only at the bidding of their families as a prelude to marriage. In fact, in a traditional arranged marriage, the couple might not meet until the beginning of wedding proceedings. Anuradha Rangan (54), now a scientist in the U.S. sums up her Indian engagement many years ago: "It was an arranged marriage through my grandmother. We met and that was it."
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A young man's level of education and financial status gave him
value, while a woman's beauty (notably her skin tone) and
intact virginity were of primary importance.
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Hindu families sought suitable partners for their children based on a number of different criteria. Both families should be from the same caste, a traditional social status linked to the Hindu religion. The caste would also indicate a common language and geographic origin. Parents or relatives could begin the hunt by putting the word out to their circle of friends (within the caste) that they were looking. A young man's level of education and financial status gave him value, while a woman's beauty (notably her skin tone) and intact virginity were of primary importance. In addition, the prospective couple should possess compatible astrological forecasts and pleasant dispositions. Photos and phone calls would be exchanged between families until everyone (including the bride and groom) accepted the match.
With increasing ability to travel, relocate, and communicate with the foreign world, Indians and other South Asians have seen the birth of new options for finding the right partner, and an end to one-size-fits-all rules. Manisha Bawa (27), co-founder of the South Asian Internet resource, Mybindi.com, describes current mating trends as transitioning. "Now it's very hard to stereotype." Depending on their locale, education level, and peer community, families may eschew traditional methods in favor of a more Western approach. For some, dating is an acceptable option, but for others it remains forbidden. A desirable woman may have her own career, or excel at the home arts. According to Bawa, educated Indians who live in diverse urban areas tend to be more open to non-traditional practices. But even the most cosmopolitan young Indians "may still [have] a desire to find a spouse that their parents approve of."
In Venezuela, family also plays a significant role in a couple's courtship. Venezuelan young people may date, but a significant part of the process involves parents and family. Marlena Briceno (29) noticed the difference when her family moved from Los Angeles to their ancestral home in Venezuela when she was 16. She explains that dating extends beyond the couple to incorporate relatives almost immediately. Parents hope their children will find mates with similar social standing and expect their children to involve them in the process. Marlena soon understood that "if he doesn't invite you home [to meet his family] you know something's wrong… there's something to hide.” She had no such problem with her future husband, whom she met and eventually married in Venezuela. Marlena describes dates that involved family members from one or both sides. "Once you're married to your husband, you're married to his family."
When a Venezuelan man wishes to marry a woman he must ask her father's permission before proposing. Marlena explains that she had a feeling her husband would propose when she noticed him talking to her dad. Going along with protocol, he waited to ask her until her father agreed. This reinforced the family's role in making the match.
In Depth: A Ceremony From Start To Finish
For Greek brides and grooms, the wedding signifies more than a successful love affair. Marriage is a holy sacrament where two individuals take a decisive step in their spiritual lives together. The priest, the congregation, and Christ himself are said to witness their promise and bless it through the Church. Because of the seriousness of the commitment, couples must meet with their priest for counseling before the wedding.
The Greek Orthodox ceremony encompasses both the betrothal and the actual marriage, with events occurring in threes to signify the Christian Holy Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. The ceremony begins with the blessing and exchange of rings. After the priest makes the sign of the cross over the heads of the couple, the best man, honored friend, or relative known as the Koumbaros exchanges the rings on their fingers three times. The timeless symbol of the ring and its exchange signifies the completion and consistency gained by the union. The two are now officially betrothed.
From here, the actual marriage portion of the proceedings begins. First the man and women each receive a candle, which they hold lighted through the remainder of the ceremony. These represent their open acceptance of Christ. Next they join right hands to show their unity in body and spirit, while the priest recites a prayer. The service reaches its pinnacle with the crowning of the bride and groom. The Koumbaros crowns the couple with wreath-like circles of flowers or sculpted materials, which he will switch three times. Often a ribbon connects the crowns, reinforcing the bond between the individuals. The couple will be like a king and queen, ruling over a new household. Like the best leaders, they should be noble and just. After reading the biblical passage describing Jesus turning water to wine at the marriage of Cana, the couple drinks wine from a common cup signifying their future of sharing good and bad times. Next, the bride, groom, and priest walk in a circle around a table with religious items upon it. They are beginning their journey as married people in a devotional act led by a priest, with Christ at its center. Finally, the Priest offers another blessing to conclude the ceremony. Instead of making specific promises during the service as would be expected in a legal exchange, the two become one in a religious sacrament. Interestingly, the Greek Orthodox Church does permit ecclesiastical divorce unlike the Roman Catholic Church.
Wedding Symbols
Like the Greek wedding, the Hindu Indian wedding is a significant religious occasion filled with rituals and symbols of the joining couple and families. The ceremony itself can extend up to three days, though the younger generation often shortens the process. In another parallel to the Greek wedding, the Hindu service often includes a formal betrothal, giving away of the bride, the physical joining of the couple, and a circular walk together. The priest follows the Hindu rules and traditions just as the Greek Orthodox priest follows Church doctrine, though local customs add individuality to the proceedings. Communities incorporate their own version of the richly colored fabrics, fresh flowers, and fragrant foods associated with the wedding, giving the celebrations a sensuality and vibrancy all their own.
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The tradition of jumping the broom also
appears in Wiccan/Pagan ceremonies derived from
Celtic practices, but differs from the practice as it has
developed in African American communities.
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Food, wine, candles, rings, and music pop up in a variety of traditions ancient and modern. In the U.S. where wedding customs are not standardized, couples are free to pick and choose which rituals to follow. Divorced from any official religious dogma, the lighting of a unity candle, the sharing of wine, or the physical uniting of a bride and groom can be adopted and shaped to individual beliefs. A recent trend with American brides includes a Wiccan/Pagan handfasting ceremony adapted from old Celtic customs, in addition to, or instead of traditional "I do's." This ceremony involves a binding of the couple's hands together complete with special prayers, which can signify a marriage or promise to marry. The tradition of jumping the broom also appears in Wiccan/Pagan ceremonies derived from Celtic practices, but differs from the practice as it has developed in African American communities. Here, jumping the broom honors forbearers who, as slaves, were prevented from legally marrying. To communicate the beginning of a new married life, couples would jump over a broom after saying vows. As couples seek these kinds of traditions, writers and wedding industry professionals have created resources for couples to connect with customs from distant lands or from the past.
Civil vs. Religious
Why just get married once, when you can get married twice? In both Slovenia and Venezuela civil marriages are required by law, and are separate from religious unions. For this reason couples often find themselves preparing for double duty. In Slovenia, the two services usually take place on the same day. American Margaret Korosec (29) and her Slovene husband Matjaz (31) found an ideal location for their civil ceremony in the small town of Spodnja Idrija, Slovenia. A local 600 year-old mansion-turned-inn fit their need to house her family coming in from the U.S., and his family arriving from the capital city Ljubljana. Wearing a wedding dress purchased in America, Margaret married Matjaz at an early afternoon civil ceremony at the inn, whereupon they were taken by a special, 100 year-old horse drawn carriage to a nearby church. Hotel employees and locals dressed in traditional lederhosen played polka music to send them off. Once they arrived, the couple participated in a typical Roman Catholic wedding, including a full mass attended by local inhabitants. Of course, the English translations used in the ceremony did make the mass unique for the Slovene-speaking town. When the ceremony finished they returned to the banquet hall at the inn for more polka music and celebrations.
In Venezuela the civil service takes place in the bride’s home two weeks before the religious ceremony. Although the couple has officially wed at this time, they live separately until the completion of the religious service. Each time the families must provide refreshments to guests, although the civil service is a more intimate gathering.
Let the Celebrations Begin
After the ceremony concludes, Greek couples embark on an evening of enjoyment with family and friends. This will cap weeks of preparations and rituals, which have culminated in the wedding itself. The celebrations begin with a shower of rice, flower petals or koufetta (sugar-coated almonds) to bring sweetness and fertility to the couple. Then the wedding guests and the bridal party often return as a group to the groom's home where dinner, drinking and dancing will ensue. Though many ancient traditions have fallen by the wayside, breaking plates on the dance floor continues to endure as a good luck charm. In addition, guests may decorate the matrimonial bed before the ceremony with koufetta, coins and rose petals, and then briefly roll their babies on the bed. The items and the babies are supposed to bring the couple wealth and fertility. For favors, guests receive bags of candy-coated almonds always in odd numbers. The candy sweetens the bitterness of the almonds, and the odd number makes them indivisible by two, so the couple's life will be sweet and unified.
After completing two wedding ceremonies, the Slovene couple still has a full evening ahead of them. In addition to a festive meal, which may include such local delicacies as rabbit soup and zlinkrofi (stuffed dough pockets), polka music will get the party jumping. The newlyweds (and guests) must also make sure to have money on hand, as the next tradition could cost them a pretty penny. During the reception friends of the groom "kidnap" the bride, often taking her to pubs in nearby villages. The groom must first realize the bride has disappeared, then trace his friends' footsteps, paying their bar tabs as he goes. Eventually the groom will meet up his friends and bride, and then he must negotiate a ransom. Guests will chip in to ensure that he gets his wife back. Celebrations may last into the wee hours, with the revelry often ending at a nearby disco.
I Do…And So Do You
Each culture looks upon weddings as a special occasion, filled with meaningful activities to bring health, wealth, and fertility to the marrying couple. While the actual ceremony may feel solemn and religious, the merriment that follows gives everyone a chance to enjoy the momentous occasion. Breaking plates, kidnapping the bride, throwing rice, or even doing the hokey pokey brings a sense of fun to an event full of gravity and meaning.
Weddings give us a unique opportunity to express who we are and what we value. Whether we pick and choose our customs, or jump headfirst into a traditional culture, we can experience the special joy of an important life passage, one that transcends time and place.
Thanks to the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America
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Jessica Hirschhorn is a native of Los Angeles and a graduate of USC Film School. She now edits content for a website, and enjoys freelance writing assignments. Jessica loves exploring the rich diversity of cultures in her hometown. Since returning from a recent trip to Japan, Jessica can be overheard extolling the virtues of green tea and tofu.
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