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Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?
When Parents Disapprove Of You Dating Someone Of A Different Race. By Sam Sasso "The course of true love never did run smooth." - William Shakespeare There's a lesson we learn early in life, one that seemingly never ends: we want to be accepted by our parents. No matter what happiness the rest of our life brings, if we are not accepted by our parents, there will always be something missing within us. We want our parents to be proud of what we do, of our work, of our accomplishments, and , we want them to accept the person we choose to be with forever. Usually, even in the most understanding of families, finding a partner who is acceptable is difficult. Many parents seem to have the innate ability to see flaws even in something perfect, especially when it influences their own children. Do the parents like the person's job? Will they be able to build a future together? What color is their skin? Some parents cannot accept their child being in an interracial relationship. The whole concept of dating outside of their own race seems foreign and intimidating. Fights between the parents and child begin, feelings are hurt, and the child struggles to find some common ground between the desire to live life freely as an individual, and the lesson learned early in life. Beth, a 27-year-old white woman, has been dating Michael, a 30-year-old black man, for five years. She recalls the first time Michael told his parents about her: "The first thing his mother said was 'Is she one of us or one of them?'" Beth's own parents were equally shocked. When they met Michael, months before the relationship actually began, Beth's mother said "Don't even think about dating him." Once the relationship astarted, Beth's parents told her that "It would never fly in the family." _______________________________________
Beth and Michael were also forced to hide their relationship as a result of their parents' reactions. When they couldn't keep it a secret any longer, a constant battle started with their parents. "I probably cried every day," Beth says, "It felt like I had the heaviest load on my shoulders." Bob Metcalfe, a Toronto psychotherapist, says that race isn't a topic that can be avoided easily, "It's a real visceral reaction that people have when it comes to race. It's not something people can ignore because it is visual and whatever kind of biases or prejudices have been built in and learned come out. It really hits at a gut level and they can't deny it because it's right there in front of their face." The fact that Beth and Michael were of the same religion made no difference to Beth's parents. "I sand, 'Wouldn't you rather me date someone of a different race than someone of a different religion, and they said ' no' because it was a visual difference." Metcalfe believes that even though religion is often a source of conflict, it is usually less obvious. "If someone has a different religion, it may bother them (the parents), but they can pretend otherwise to themselves, and, often, to other people like friends and family. It's easier to cover up. But you can't do that with race, it's right here." Beth even consulted her pastor and was reminded that there was nothing wrong with the relationship in the eyes of her church. Much of the parents' reactions, according to Metcalfe, is caused by environment. "A lot of it is exposure. We know that 90 per cent of prejudice is based on fear and ignorance and they just haven't hd the experience to know. If you know enough people from different cultures and different races, your fears will be alleviated just by knowing them as individuals. It's certainly a matter of education." Many parents fear the public's reaction to interracial relationships. While they may be able to accept the relationship themselves, the thought of their children being harassed makes some uneasy. Tom, a 32-year-old white man who is engaged to a Filipino woman, understands his parents' feelings. "They were worried about certain hardships: if we as a couple would encounter racism of if our childen would encounter racism." Beth and Michael have had some first-hand experience with those the public reacts. Beth says that a romantic dinner in a small town was ruined one night. "We couldn't get served. They wouldn't even bring us water." Once, Beth recounts, "a car full of black women stopped and yelled 'Why, black man. Why?!" Generally, though, Beth says that they haven't had any serious problems. Tom adds that none of his parents' fears over the public's reaction have been realized. "It's been a non-issue," he says. _______________________________________ Beth feels that her parents' reaction was understandable given the circumstances. "There weren't any interracial families that my parents know of," she says. "If you're in this situation, you can't hate your parents, you have to try to understand where they're coming from. They were brought up to think this is wrong so you can't expect them to accept what you're doing right away." Gradually, as Beth's parents got to know Michael, they grew to accept and love him. Similarly, the more time Joan's mother spent with Frank, the more as Joan says, "She liked him. She definitely warmed up." Metcalfe adds, "You get to know the partner who is of whatever race, and you like them as a person, and all of a sudden the color of that person's skin becomes less important." The trick is, he says, for the parents to "accept the opportunity to get to know somebody else." How a person approaches their parents can often make a great difference. The first impression the parents get can shape how they will deal with the situation. Metcalfe says "Don't bring them home and say, 'See, this is who I'm dating.' That's not how to present it if you're anticipating a problem. It's best not to take something and throw it in somebody's face in a situation where they don't have any way to deal with it." If the problem is going to be solved at all, it will take time and effort. Metcalfe suggests finding as much help as possible. "Often within a family, it's best to find allies and work your way through the family to the most difficult spot. So that you find, whoever it is - brother, sister, aunts, uncles, maybe it's mother, maybe it's dad - who will be the most supportive. Do it gradually." Joan found support from her sister who helped smooth things over with their mother. Beth says that she just had to keep trying. "As long as you respect them and talk to them and are willing to work it out, then that is a big advantage on your side. If you start screaming 'I hate you,' or 'I'm leaving home,' that's making zero progress. Always show respect." Yet not all parents are intolerant. Marissa, a 22-year-old Korean woman who has been dating a white man for three years, says that her parents were prepared for her relationship with someone from a different culture. "They respect that they raised me in Western culture. They realized that they couldn't force more traditional values on me because I had been raised and cultured in Canada." _______________________________________ Unfortunately, some parents will never accept the situation, no matter what is done. "You cant' make anybody more accepting of anything," Metcalfe says. "What you can do is hope for it and present your case if you parents will listen to it. That's what you hope for. It doesn't always happen, though. There will be people who, no matter how respectfully you approach something with them, are going to say, 'That's it, you're out of my house, I'm disowning you, I'm not having anything to do with you.'" In such instances, Metcalfe says, "There's not a damn thing you can do about that. if somebody's not going to listen, they're not going to learn."
In contrast, Beth believes that things have changed considerably. Her parents now proudly introduce Michael to their friends and are glad that he has become part of the family. Beth says that her parents are "a lot better now because they've been educated. They've totally turned around." But relationships, even in the best of times, are difficult to start and maintain. For some, the strain of dealing with unaccepting parents can be too much. "It can be very destructive," Metcalfe ways. "Whether or not it's so bad that it would add enough problems to the relationship to undo it would depend on the relationship." That same conflict however, can also bring a couple closer together. Metcalfe says that a joint battle, "is often a very important binding factor in a relationship. If the couple feels separated by the issue, then it becomes corrosive. But if both are fighting the same battle together, then it can very much bind them together. it can be very strengthening, actually." Beth says that because of the conflict, "I really had to examine why I love this man," Before long, Beth realized that they were working together for a common cause. "We had to fight for each other," she says. For some parents, the concept of their children dating outside their culture can lead to conflict as they are forced into totally different way of thinking. And getting parents to accept an interracial relationship can be, for some, exhausting. Joan says that she will keep trying "rather than cut them off." Beth draws strength from her faith. "I thought that if God wanted this relationship to happen then he would give me the strength to get through it." Beth and Michael will be married in the fall.
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